


A Pain That I'm Used To

by Mulderist1013



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e13 Irresistible (X-Files), Episode: s02e14 Die Hand Die Verletzt, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, MSR, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25253254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mulderist1013/pseuds/Mulderist1013
Summary: Scully suffers a breakdown after the events of Die Hand Die Verletzt. It's a special delivery of pain.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 3
Kudos: 58





	A Pain That I'm Used To

She shivered in the seat next to him, damp clothes clung to her skin underneath her heavy wool coat. Her hands pressed between her knees trying to increase circulation to the fingertips. Scully thought about the message left on the biology lab’s chalkboard:  _ Goodbye. It’s been nice working with you.  _ There was a dark energy surrounding the pleasant sentiment. 

Rain drummed against the rental car and Mulder wiped at a patch of fog forming on the inside of the windshield. The heater struggled even though the dial was cranked to max. Scully just wanted to change clothes. God only knows what she was soaking in after the faculty members picked each other off in that locker room shower.  _ It’ll make the blood easier to clean up.  _ She still couldn’t shake the look on the counselor’s face before he pulled the trigger.

Headlights swept across the front of the motel as Mulder parked in front of their rooms. Scully was still silent as they exited the car. She thought she heard a ‘good night’ from Mulder before he entered his room but it was muffled due to the sudden ringing in her ear. She nodded on reflex and opened her door, greeted by the chilly darkness. 

Scully clicked on the table lamp then shrugged off her oversized coat and draped it over the chair. She adjusted the temperature on the unit under the window and sat down on the bed to remove her shoes. After taking off her blazer she noticed the fresh abrasions on her wrists. Her index finger smoothed over the band of angry skin and she felt a twist in her stomach. 

This has all happened before. She closed her eyes and was right back in the trunk of the car; wrists and ankles bound and rubbed raw, the corners of her mouth tight and sore. Scully tensed her jaw as she traced the new mark on her skin. She rose from the bed and went towards the bathroom. Avoiding her reflection in the small mirror she pulled back the shower curtain and turned on the faucet. The water thundered in the tub and she massaged the tension collecting in her temple. The ringing in her ear returned. She took a breath but only felt constriction in her lungs. 

_ Please, not again.  _

Scully could feel her heart rate increase as her hand splayed across her chest. She started her grounding technique. “Take ten deep breaths,” she said quietly. Ten came and went but did not bring her back. She started to count the tiles on the bathroom floor aloud. “One...two...three... _ shit… _ ”

_ No _ . 

Her eyes closed and she saw his face, it’s face; the face of evil. She felt cold. Each breath brought her back to that house. She was paralyzed. She could taste the rag in her mouth, the drip of water echoed in her ears, the smell of strange soap and shampoo lingered in her nose. Her gut twisted again when he asked about her hair. She gasped suddenly, realizing she had been holding her breath. It had only been a month, it was too soon to be in the field but she insisted. She told Mulder she was fine. She clasped a hand over her mouth, trying to suppress a sob though she was the only one around to hear it. Scully reached over with a shaky hand and turned off the water. 

She was losing control.

————

Mulder stepped out of the shower; dried off with the scratchy towel and slowly pulled on his boxers and t-shirt. His muscles ached. He was hoping for a few hours of sleep before he and Scully drove back to D.C. in the morning. Insomnia usually won out in the end. He picked his damp clothes off the bathroom floor and hung them over the plastic towel bar. As he walked towards the bed he heard a familiar knock. He turned the knob and opened the door to find Scully barefoot and shell shocked on the threshold.

“Hey,” he said, and as he searched her face he knew something was off. “Scully, what’s wrong?” She pressed her lips together then tried to mouth the words. Mulder opened the door further and ushered her inside, quickly closing it behind him. He approached and gently brushed his hand down her bare arm, surprised when he felt goosebumps. “Jesus, you’re freezing. Here, I think I still have some hot water left. Let me get the shower started.” She heard the metal rings slide across the curtain rod then the hiss of the water after he pulled the stopper. He moved aside and let her into the bathroom so she could change. He paced back towards the bed then noticed she left the door open. He went to pull it closed, allowing her privacy but stopped one he saw her through the steam. She was sitting half-dressed in the tub, water raining down over her, crying desperately into her hands.

“Oh, Scully,” he said, crouching down in front of her, letting the spray hit him as he reached out to touch her knee. “It’s okay. It’s me.” She sputtered as she pushed back from him, running her hands over her soaked hair.

“No. I can’t..Mulder. Please don’t.” It was rambling, he knew she was in shock. She covered her eyes and he saw her lips tremble. A sob caught in her throat. “I don’t want to be alone,” Scully said at almost a whisper, “Don’t leave me alone.” She felt the words tumble from her lips but did nothing to stop them. Mulder could see her breaking. He climbed in next to her and slipped an arm around her shoulders, drawing her close, letting her strike his chest with her fist. “Shh,” he soothed, “it’s alright.” She gripped his shirt then wrapped her arms around his waist. He noticed how small she felt as he held her.

Mulder wiped the hair from her face as she caught her breath. “You’re okay, Dana. You’re safe.” She continued to cry into his chest. “Let’s get you warm and change out of these wet clothes, okay? Here let me help.” He rose from the tub and took her arm, gently guiding her upright. She searched for stability and his hand found her cheek “I’m here,” he whispered as his thumb caressed her, “it’s just me and you now. You’re safe...You’re safe.” She hugged her arms across herself. He touched her elbow and said, “I’m going to step out but I’ll be on the other side of the curtain.” She nodded. He moved the plastic back down the rod and his feet met the tile floor. Mulder took a deep breath before ringing out his shirt in the sink. 

He placed a hand on his neck and leaned against the doorframe, searching through his psychology to approach the situation. It’s one thing when it’s a stranger but it’s entirely different when it’s your partner. She had been through deep trauma in such a short span of time. He knows how strong of an individual she is but tonight was the breaking point. Being tied up again, dragged across the floor, the shower in the locker room. She didn’t have time to process and he selfishly claimed responsibility. He shook his head; just when he thought she had turned a corner after Minneapolis. He wanted to work through this with her but knew it would be on her own terms. 

Scully stood naked under the water, trying to control another wave from breaking. Her hands pressed into her shoulders, nails dug half moon imprints into the skin. A twinge of discomfort pulled her back. She wanted to get past this; she needed to.  _ Get clean _ . Shampoo lathered in her hair as fingers lazily massaged it in, after a quick rinse she reached for the small bar of soap. She scrubbed harder than she needed to. Her arms, breasts, and abdomen stung as hot water washed away the white suds. She glanced again at the abrasions on her wrists, her fist tightened. Right now she didn’t know if she could do this alone. She needed him to stay. She wanted to forget. 

He heard her turn off the water, listened to the rhythmic drips down the drain. He was standing against the edge of the sink in a dry pair of sweatpants, the lower portion of his shirt still damp. As she pushed back the shower curtain to grab a towel he turned away and gazed at the ceiling. Her breath hitched as she dried off and squeezed the extra water from her hair. 

“Mulder..”

“Yeah?” He turned around and noticed how fragile she looked in the harsh light of the bathroom. She stood in front of him with flushed cheeks and red-rimmed eyes. Her brow furrowed.

“I think I need to lie down.” 

“Come on,” he said. She held the towel tight around her chest as he led her back into the room. Mulder turned down the bed and she climbed under the sheets. She curled in as he pulled the covers over her, smoothing a wet lock of hair behind her ear. “You rest. I’ll be right back.” He went next door to her room.

Scully didn’t want to close her eyes, not yet. She was a raw nerve, the hum of the heater and the driving rain outside combined could not relax her. She slowly released her grip on the towel and raised an eyebrow when she heard the door open. Mulder entered with her overnight bag. 

“Sorry, I grabbed the whole thing,” he said as he placed the bag on the bed and unzipped it. Scully thanked him and slowly sat upright, keeping the covers over herself. Leaning forward she fished inside for a pair of underwear and satin pajama top. She pulled the top on first and handed the towel to Mulder then she slid under the sheets to continue getting dressed. Scully tried so hard to contain her emotions; all of the uncertainty, all of the shame, all of the fear swept over her. She drew her knees up to her chest and met his gaze.

“Hold me,” she said on the verge of tears. Mulder nodded and lay next to her without hesitation, his back against the headboard of the bed. She curled close, her body pressed against his through the hotel linens. She sighed deeply as his arms found their place around her. Her head rested on his chest and she kept her arms tucked between them. It was so intimate and he was so gentle. She listened to his breathing, felt the rise and fall of his abdomen. She realized they were sharing a bed but she needed to feel something other than pain.

“I thought I could deal with this Mulder,” Scully said, her voice ragged, “I thought I had moved past it.”

“Everyone processes things in their own way. And everyone eventually hits a breaking point.”

“I suppose so.” she replied, her hand finding its way to his chest. His fingers soon knitted with hers. “The grounding exercises have helped a little, just not tonight. When I saw the mark on my wrist it sent me back there like it was yesterday…” she trailed off. He kissed the top of her head, banishing the memory. She brushed away a tear.

“There were certainly dark forces working tonight. It’s like I said, you can’t call up the devil and expect him to behave.”

“I guess we ended up on it’s good side given that we survived.”

“Well I think Paddock had something to do with that, considering the note she left.” 

“You believe that was her?” Scully questioned earnestly.

“I’d like to believe that she took care of those who were causing more harm than good in the town, and we fell into the latter category.” Mulder said as he shifted slightly. Scully thought about that for a moment and squeezed his fingers. 

“Thank you for this,” she said after a beat, fatigue settled in her voice. She could tell he smiled without even looking. 

“Even the bravest warrior can still admit defeat and not lose their honor.” She raised her head to look at him with a sharply arched eyebrow. “Too profound?” He asked when he saw her expression.

“You just keep surprising me, Mulder.” 

“I’ll keep doing that. You get some rest.” He said. She slowly started to pull away but he kept her in place. “I’m not going anywhere.” He inched lower to lay flat beside her. She took his hand and rolled over, pulling him to spoon behind her. Another deep breath calmed her as she held onto him. Release came as tears welled in her eyes, his warmth enveloped her providing the opportunity to let go.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This was really a challenge for me. 
> 
> I saw a tumblr post that made me think. Scully didn't have enough time between Pfaster and the demon teacher at the high school, not to mention the whole abduction arc to get her mental state back. It was a lot to handle in a short span of time.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
